Letters I need to write but will not send #4

Heyyyyy you.

We spoke in REAL LIFE a few days ago. Wild. A part of me gave up on that concept so hearing you on the other end was a shock.

I felt so so relieved and somewhat at peace hearing you eager and peppy and okay. That nothing bad had happened that life was okay. The uncertainty of NOT KNOWING WHAT was getting to me, as the last time we went even 7 days without speaking something bad had actually happened…

It was odd hearing about your family. The “remember that obscure family member I told you about” and the “my brother has been around since Christmas!” brought right back to making holiday plans but alas.

I am confused by your… careless/thoughtless attitude towards friendship. That “everything is different” in friendship… you admitted to lying and intentionally misleading and blindsighting me… but with no apology and with a simple “I won’t”. Also I think I’m hurt about how easy it is to think of me as your “cazh pal” who you talk to once in awhile…. BUT you weren’t satisfied with my proposal to check in with each other every couple months…. you want “friendship” in the form of talking every week. On one side, I’m flattered that you think I’m worth your time every week. But on the other, you refuse to acknowledge the weirdness of it and to set boundaries and expectations. “We’ll just see how it goes” I can’t afford that Tom. I can’t afford to sit by the phone waiting for your call that doesn’t come and then blaming myself for being boring and useless. Maybe I’m too sensitive and easily moved and don’t have a stable sense of self esteem (and I’m working on that) but as things stand, it will make me feel like a worthless person. I realize you were the one who has less feelings so this is inherently easier for you, but do you have ANY feelings? Did you? I can’t tell anymore.

“I don’t remember what I told you when we broke up but half of it was probably true”

What do I do with that…? I don’t know.

Maybe in some friendships it IS clear and boundaries maybe are extraneous but not with me… I like intimacy, trust, and understanding in my friendships. Those things are gone/damaged with us. And nothing you said made me feel better about any of those three states in our potential “friendship”.

I know I’m going on and on about why you’re wrong which means I’m considering it. Which means that so so many shattered parts of me want to keep you, a semblance of you in my life. A part of me that says that with you in my life I’m kinder, I’m softer, I’m gentler, I’m more attentive to suffering, I’m less judgemental… but I don’t want two things: to feel used and as a result to build resentment for you.

I can’t hate you. I don’t. As things are I believe that what you did you did out of a combination of self-preservation and care. I think you did what you could/were capable of/what you thought was best.

You are first and foremost a kind person and I don’t think that changes even if you lost any feeling of affection for me besides me being a person in the world.

However, I’m afraid the continuous reminders of the lost affection and the disregard for my needs will cause me to validate all the thoughts already circling my head included but not limited to: “you aren’t worth consideration” “you aren’t worth his time which is why he didn’t call” “you were cruel and manipulative and aggressive which is why he is ignoring you right now” “he didn’t value you as a friend and doesn’t want to build trust with you because you are a bad person and he would rather direct those emotions elsewhere”. This interpratation of self-hatred will cause me to go inward, to stop trying, increase the sense of apathy and this validate all of those previous assumptions. And I will slowly but surely become a worse and worse person who dismisses and disregards and acts out of weakness and desperation. (This will spill over to other relationships)

I don’t want to be a cruel person!!!!!!!!! I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to make anyone feel unworthile, less human, uncared for, and disrespected.

Another huge concern is that I don’t know if and how I hurt you. You won’t tell me. Meaning the more we interact the more I’ll do it again. Unintentionally maybe, but I was causing you some negative emotions and I have hypotheses obviously but I need to hear it from you, and you refuse to give me answers and that terrifies me and creates a strong aversion from talking to you at all….

…..

I keep talking out loud to imaginary you. I had an hour long discussion with “you” on how I view commitment and a sense of duty. For friendships/relationships, for immediate community, for humanity/etc. I know it’s unhealthy but I’ve talked to you every day for months (the real you) and I got so used brainstorming with you. To have someone who knows where I left off in my rants and whose rants I know by heart as well.

I continue to miss you and a lot of me wants to say “FUCK IT ALL TO HELL I WANT HIM IN MY LIFE AND I WILL DO WHATEVER IS GODDAMN NECESSARY TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN”

But…..I can’t do that alone. And I don’t feel you with me, on my team. You alienated me and I’m stuck…

I know this will get easier soon, but for now I have these letters,

Your hopelessly devoted and passionately deluded ex-gf